My life is a weird set of ups and downs…
For the sake of that sentence, by “my life,” I mean “my weight.” I seem to be on this odd cycle where I will
decide to get to it and lose several pounds, then something catastrophic will
happen and I stop even bothering for a couple of years and gain the whole 50
My last “gain” phase almost took me to
the upper room. Apparently putting on
this time sent my blood pressure to a level that my then-current medication
regimen wasn’t on board with and, then a bout of bronchitis made it all worst
and next thing you know I am speaking to a cardiologist trying to convince me
to spend a weekend in the hospital due to congestive heart failure.
I was 306 pounds that morning, 35ish more than expected walking in and a full
55 more than my “norm.”
I was mobile enough to get to and from my car, care for my kid and not miss a
minute of work, so the man couldn’t FORCE me to the ER. He did change up my meds aggressively to get
the fluid off of me and down to a comfortable weight and allow me to work it
down from there. 6 months later, he was
pleased with my heart function and left me to my own devices in losing – or at
least maintaining – my weight.
Well… I rode it out for quite a while, about 7
months. Over this past summer, my lady
looked into different ways of eating and recipes that would allow us to eat as
we tend to like to do, but more healthily since substitutions all but
eliminated carbs and sugar from what we take in. It was very effective, seeing me lose about
15 pounds in a couple of months, but unfortunately hovering around that number
for the remainder of the year because we would phase in and out of it.
End of the year comes, we
decided that there would be no extended breaks (sure… a day here, a weekend there, vacation away from it all for a few
days). With that ALSO came me
finally having the time on my hands to get out and exercise. Needless to say, I am drastically shrinking
pretty noticeably quickly and sticking to the plan of ramping it up when my
weight loss stalls.
With visible weight loss in a world of people who want to lose weight
but would rather get in on the next fad than to actually eat right and get a
reasonable amount of exercise comes the questions from said people.
what are you doing?”
the diet online somewhere?”
that walking and running, you don’t hurt?”
The first little while, I explained what was happening and that
walking for 30-45 minutes a day is low impact and goes right by with the right
music. We spend LESS on groceries like
this than we did when we could eat anything we wanted. Simple explanations, no?
just don’t know, eating healthy is so hard”
don’t really have time to cook like that”
just couldn’t imagine giving up [….]”
there just like some kind of shake I could drink?”
I don’t fancy having my time wasted, so sometime mid-March I stopped
answering questions honestly and started just making shit up.
One Monday, I am heating up my breakfast
and a lady notices I have shed a few ounces and asks what I am having. I described it and how it came to be, how
easy it was to make and such. After I
get the normal shtick about how unimaginable it is that such a diet could work,
I continued without missing a beat.
I had a bit of a head start. See, I went
on this ‘food vacation’ with my girlfriend where we basically travelled and ate
food from the locales where we landed.
We ate street tacos in Mexico, empenadas all over the Caribbean and like
5 other things I can’t pronounce in Asia.
The mistake was that we drank the local water and I had amoebic
dysentery for a week and a half, I was puking my guts out from both ends and
lost 20 pounds before I ever left the hospital and another 10 when I came home
because I couldn’t stomach anything.”
The look on her face was such mortified horror that I didn’t even get
a chance to continue “I’m kidding” after I chuckled a bit while and just after
saying it. She has not spoken to, or
even looked at me, in the 6 weeks since.
A couple of weeks later, this woman
notices I had been walking on my lunch breaks, even if it was BRUTALLY cold out
and could see the weight coming off. She
asked if walking was the only thing I was doing or if I was on some kind of
supplement (magic pills, again).
For this one, I paraphrased an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force…
“Yeah, you oughta hop on my diet. Started it eight days ago and
I'm already halfway to my target weight.”
She looked at me interested and asked for
more information, which I HAPPILY obliged.
South Bronx Paradise Diet, baby! Yeeeeah! The twist is you eat
MORE than you want, then you supplement that with this special candy bar.”
[Note: it is IMPORTANT when you’re putting
someone on to keep a straight face the whole time]
Now completely sold, she asks for more
information or a picture so she could find it on her own. I told her I would take a pic when I was back
at my desk and send it to her later, and took her number.
20 minutes later, I sent her this picture:
I walk past this woman every time I walk on a
lunch break now and she will always look the other way (like head and shoulders turned) if she doesn’t cross the
street as I approach. I really wish I
would have remembered in the moment to tell her my name was Moe Phillips
always out for new and more innovative ways to fuck with people who have
committed nothing more than the cardinal sin of being annoying to me. The best thing is using the world as my
unwitting test subjects.