Do they speak English in 'What'?

Spending so much of my time in front of a computer during the day, text messaging, and speaking to people verbally, I have come to realize that my mind handles things QUITE oddly sometimes. This conspires to severely fuck how I process typed words or how intently I listen to someone. F'rinstance shorthand type in text/internet messaging; I hate it with a burning fucking passion, and the asshole in me rears it's head when I read certain things:

• "u" is not read as "you," instead processes itself as "ooh."
• "y" is never seen as "why," instead is taken as if in Spanish, "and."
• "ur" never comes off as "your," instead pronounces itself in my mind (think like the suffix) "er"

I really can't explain WHY I do this, it is just kinda funny THAT I do it, and I do it ALL THE DAMNED TIME, no less... I think it is my mind subconsciously creating a world where anyone who can't AT LEAST TYPE A FUCKING WORD OUT is likely just talking jibber jabber. The world may never know.

I am similarly merciless when handling people when they speak, certain things cause the lessening of how seriously I will take them.

• when pronouncing a singular "R," it is not to come off as "arra"
• while we're on the subject of "R," there is one in the word "February" and it is NOT silent.
• while we're on the subject of "silent/not silent," there is an "H" at the beginning of "huge," and it is ALSO not silent.
• okay, this one has been a sore point for several people... There is an "L" in the middle of "salmon," and it IS silent.
• "conversate" and "irregardless" are words, where when I hear them, causes the speaker's voice to immediately change to that of Charlie Brown's teacher "wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah wah..."

Also, we have:

"Look at those damned fools over there, they're going to lose their fucking fingers playing that that chainsaw."

Let us not forget about:

"You must be out of your mind if you think you're just gonna walk up and hit me without issue."

See what I did there? If you didn't, please accept this sentence as the introduction to the fact that I likely hate your fucking guts.


In these days and times we live in, there is little to no excuse to misspell ANY word, unless they're just plain non-standard words. As I type this in FireFox right now, anything that is misspelled or non-standard has a red squiggly line underneath it. I may not see that red line until I advance to the next line of typed text. The beauty of it is that I don't necessarily have to know how to spell the word I just fucked up, I can just right-click it and will have a list of suggestions.

Using this information to my advantage allows me to use technology to avoid coming off like a dumbfuck who can't handle the language I was raised speaking. I make no claims to perfection, only a command of how to NOT make myself look like an idiot, even via words on a web page. And no, "it's just the internet, who cares?" is not a sentiment that I will EVER subscribe to.
In all, I am sure my approach to how I handle people based upon what I read might be a little mean-spirited, but why should I be the villain for preferring things be correct?