Didn't want to be single?
Were you recently, prior to your current state, anything other than single?
Have you stopped for a moment to take into consideration what it was that tore what you had apart?
When you did that, were you fully objective, or did you cast all the blame as far from you as you could place it?
[Phlip note - the fact that the question exists lends itself to the fact that we know how this story usually goes]
As I stop and think back to things I have done and reacted to personally, and observed/heard/read from others, I decided that this MIGHT be something worth expanding upon. Think with me, for a minute, as we delve into the minds of those in our pasts from various angles and reasons...
***Item #1 - Your Friends***Guys: Your "boys" are just that -- boys... Somewhere along the line, the idea of growing the fuck up was lost on them. In such, they're weed head drunkards who laugh at shit that ain't funny. They live with their mothers or grandmothers, if they haven't been kicked out, in which case they couch surf, soaking up all the abuse that comes with it from your other friends.
Which brings me to my next point; your friends are motherfucking obnoxious, loud and all around annoying to share the presence of. While it is more than understandable that you've known these people since childhood, but why in the HELL are you so loyal or quick to get around them?
This is a cause for concern on how and why to approach you, homie.
If a chance is taken, your friends and their rampant "mang, axe her if she got any friends!" overture will be a buzzkill for you and your new acquaintance.
Ladies: No mincing words here or trying at all to be nice about this... Your friends are gossipy slores.
[Phlip note - for those who cannot grasp the context clues driving that term, 'slore' = 'slut-whore']
When a dude sees you in that element, it is damned fuckin' hard to imagine you not being a part of it without quite a herculean effort on his part.
[Phlip note - unless, of course, he WANTS you to be that]
Furthermore, if you DO wade through that, I sincerely hope to God (or whomever you believe for the sake of argument) that you don't brag to them how great he is, lest they will try to find out on their own.
Both sides: Don't spend major time with minor people.
***Item #2 - Your Family***Guys: Think about how your family may have seen girls come and go... You're in the element of people who know you best and therefore have the least to lose by keeping it 500% real with you. Discussions of your immaturity, revolving door past, or badgering a girl you have known for roughly a month -- possibly less -- about when marriage and children are to take place should be a cause for concern on your part and definitely will be on her part.
Take solace in that you know your family best and use that knowledge as a means of driving WHEN you bring the elements together. Too soon and you'll have that one cousin or aunt that has already married you and placed 5 kids in your as yet to be determined living space, thusly scaring your friend off into the sunset.
Furthermore, watch your brothers, dad and uncles... "pops was a player" can often lead to philanderous behaviors in those in the generations after them, pending earnest changes in behaviors or willingness to break the chain.
Ladies: Back to the slore thing... Your grandmother was pregnant with your mother or one of your aunts at 15-16... That was acceptable in the 40s and 50s, when women stayed home and raised kids. The problem comes in that your parents and aunts/uncles have different fathers. Your mother or aunt was pregnant with your siblings or older cousins when SHE was 15-16. Now this is somewhat of a problem, as this occurs about the time women were getting out of the house and going to college and/or work. Their kids ALSO have different fathers.
This is where it gets hairy...
Your sisters and cousins, now in your generation, have 2-3 kids before exiting high school, and it seems to any clear thinking individual that SOMEONE should have seen the teaching moment in this, coaching their children that maybe, just maybe, an infant won't properly match that bookbag that you should be toting to the 10th grade.
Not to say such behavior is hereditary, but with things being as they are, when behavior is allowed to be passed from generation to generation unchecked then it does not stop. No dude wants to enter the carousel of tax deductions, family court and child support payments. Those looking for more than just some ass out of the equation -- and even many who ARE just looking for some ass -- will show themselves the door swiftly once talk turns the wrong direction.
***Item #3 - Your mouth***Guys: You talk too fucking much... Simple as that.
Ever seen a dude in a party or mall or somewhere, talking about what he is 'finna (fixing to, for you non-Southerners) do' ranging from things like buying a car or bike, get a record deal, rob a bank, score a mound of cocaine or a few pounds of weed, run out of town for a weekend and kick it with some exclusive group of individuals that you will never meet, how his weed is always better than whatever is in rotation at the event, how ain't a dude in the place that could whoop HIS ass and if he is he 'shole' can't out-shoot him... whatever.
That guy is "talking hollywood," and should NEVER be taken seriously. The problem is, though, this motherfucker NEVER shuts up.
Next... There is NEVER a need to brag on your dick. I know I have said this before, but now I will expound. What you have or are capable of, and the quality of presentation of such, is only relative to what she has had. Unless you are prepared to stake out and inspect the collective dicks of her entire past (no brokeback), then I suggest you shut the fuck up and let the chips fall where they may. Not to mention that continued talk about such things makes you look more and more like Gucci Mane and if you're in a group of women who find that attractive as a character trait, you might want to read a book.
Ladies: You talk too fucking much, simple as that. Some things are best left to mystery. The more you expound on the exploits of your friends, especially the negative, the harder it is to differentiate you from being one of them if you spend/spent that much time with them. Also, you should ALSO not brag about your sexual prowess... I mean, we're all adults here, but something in the male psyche needs to think that he picked up a woman who was on the edge of sainthood, peeled her clothes off of her and THEN she became Carmen Hayes.
[Phlip note - fellas, Google her if you don't know who I speak of, thank me later...]
Double standard hard at work here, and it weighs on the mind of EVERY man, he needs to think what he has is special and is his and his only. Sure, it is at this moment in time, but the THOUGHT -- no matter how factually based -- that someone else did THIS shit with HIS woman, even way back in the past is bruising to the male ego. Don't discuss yours if he is not to discuss his, unless it is an item that MUST be placed on the table, like issues of crotch critters in the present or past.
Also, talking your man up to your friends is talking your man up to your friends... Tell them enough about how your neighbors SWEAR that you're having a nightly seance and they'll eventually want to find out themselves.
To all: Learn the art of shutting the hell up. In addition to the above, talking slick creates a whole 'nother set of problems, ask Chris Brown and Rihanna.
[Phlip note - yes, I said it... I have my opinion and I stand by it]
***Item #4 - Your attitude***Guys: That cavalier macho man shit is played smooth the fuck out. There is a fine line between being confident and the Tool Academy. How about, for a minute, you step outside of and fucking humble yourself, ever thought of that? The sun will never rise and set from your asshole.
Some days, homie, you are dead ass wrong. Most of the time you knew it when you did/said it.
Just because women so greatly outnumber men doesn't mean you shouldn't make real effort to NOT be a dick. I, for one, am sick and fucking tired of these douchebags being the fuel for the "men ain't shit" talk that I spend a large amount of time refuting. How much easier would life be for everyone if we all learned to be grownups?
Ladies: Yes, I heard you cheering at the "humble yourself" above.
The sun won't rise and set from your asshole either. The slick talk, the backhanded comments, the little catty shit gets REAL old real fast. It never made sense to me that groups of females could never fully get along until I was an adult, I thought that "I don't hang around with other chicks" was some shit that girls all made up.
Anyway. never has it been about who is/was right or wrong, life in general is not motherfucking debate club. It should not be approached or treated as such. Everything to be conversed on is not a matter of national crisis or taken as indication of time for some revolutionary action. That boner for "revolution for the sake of revolution" is what got Che killed.
No one will ever put you on a t-shirt, so geek down and let shit be what it is from time to time.
***Item #5 - Your Expectations***Guys: Some of us just wanted some ass from a situation. Some of us wanted more. Some of us wanted more and wound up only getting some ass. Some of us wanted some ass and wound up in a relationship.
[Phlip note - when I say 'us' I mean 'us that were born with penises' and not me specifically... At least not this time, I am where I want to be]
The problem is how realistic people are with their expectations of people and their statement of such when it is time to put it on the table. You knew what you were after at the outset, and conversely what you would be willing to accept/concede to/settle for, though we all know you should NEVER 'settle for' shit.
What do you expect to get from this? A woman who can be something more, possibly the mother of some kids and a long-term situation, or are you an expecting a fly-by-night jumpoff? Not that there is anything wrong with either, so long as all parties involved know their expected positions. As there is nothing worse than having or being a jumpoff who thinks they're campaigning for a spot on main line.
Ladies: Okay, he is uncouth, ignorant, uncultured as a motherfucker and yet there is something about him that you find attractive in spite of common sense.
Do him and yourself the favor of NOT creating him as "not that [...]," don't imagine a little fairy tale world where "he doesn't take it there with me" or anything of the sort. Cows come to pasture, chickens come to roost, shit stinks and fire burns.
The first sign of healthy interaction is seeing things as they are and dealing with them accordingly (again, not settling), as opposed to making them up to be what you want on the temporary, then working feverishly to CHANGE them to such later on. Next thing you know, you have someone sitting outside of your apartment because you've finally managed to change your phone number to one he can't get. Fact is that motherfucker was nuttier than squirrel shit when you met him, therefore it stands to reason that there was something about such a thing that you found endearing.
Know that "adventure" is not worth being stalked or the eventuality of your next dude getting shanked over some shit that didn't even involve him.
I could go on and on about the subject. I am pretty sure I have in the past. The fact, though, remains that the major reason that most single people who don't want or didn't intend to be single -- or even those who are not single but are miserable in their situations -- are in such as a means of their own devices, either by means of inaction, inattention or good ol' fashioned delusion. Usually the problem is rooted in an ongoing lack of communication, as is evident in nearly every point above.
My thing with this is people who are totally unrealistic with what they want in a partner. They know that "a partner" is what they want, as in someone to keep the bed a little warmer, what with another 98.6° in the bed to share. What they fail to take in the time to internalize, though is the very ideas of what it is they NEED in that other side, instead opting to make that shit up on the fly. The amount of myself I saw in the above points [Note - the only person that needs to know already knows which, so don't ask if you don't already] makes me much happier with my current position, following a period of time spent purposely uninvolved to actually learn me before taking on another. Those who focus on the PRODUCT of loneliness without spending proper time on the CAUSE of it will soon find themselves lonely again, usually at their own doing. Funny, though, is that they will cast the blame for another phailed attempt at a relationship on anyone other than themselves.
It hurts my heart that I am having to give information like this away for free when VH1 is paying Steve Wood millions to do this shit.
I'm done being serious-ish now, I will return to my normal silliness on my very next post.