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Monday, June 7, 2010

"Give up the goods"... a conversation

Yeah, digging through my RSS feeds this morning, I happened upon a post on a friend's blog about Stacy Dash talking about how each of her 3 failed marriages went down.

[Phlip note - we're talking about Stacy fucking Dash here... I am thinking these dudes are borderline zesty for allowing themselves to fuck that up]

AnyStacyDashDaydreamingway, I thought about a question of the day as a result of the otherwise short post. I knew my opinion on the whole thing already. But these conversations, as they were, are a solicitation of opinions to get some discourse in the air about the things that we might all think about, but don't quite know how or where to begin talking about.
The question was posted on Friday as...

"Question of the day... Does sex on the first date make for a relationship or a jumpoff agreement?"

I would then sit back and attempt to get some work done on my shortened day while the people discussed it.

First respondent was light-skinnded Brandon's light-skinnded brother Brent, with...
"I dated a girl I banged on the 1st night, and then I haven't called some back cause I got it too easy...depends on the girl really"

Next was my sister's friend/former coworker/my own former coworker, Monica, with...
"Do what it do!!!! Depends on the two people and how good it was, lol!"

Next respondent was former coworker, Derek with...
"it makes her a great jumpie"

Next response came from the homie Galen, with...
"This is no question jump-off agreement all day!! More than likely, it's mutual decision on both sides to be a quick hit."

As ever, La'Donicca answered the question without answering it (her statement, not mine) with...
"Well, it depends on your perspective in "jumpoff" -- I think that when people think about jumpoffs, they are referring to the female's promiscuity. I personally think that is EYE decide I'm havingsex with a guy on the first date, that's what I want - and probably all I want (which means we aren't on a date...)! Though, living in the time (and place) that I am currently, I'm not looking to add more partners under my belt; I'm looking for DATES...getting old, son!
That prob totally didn't answer your question.."

Next response was from my cousin Wayne, with...
"never seal the deal while inside of the stand alone complex... you're destine for 6 month failure."

Next was forum member Austin, with...
"depends if both individuals have low self esteem. ive seen it happen"

[Phlip note - damn... good point, I hadn't thought of that]

Next was light-skinnded Brandon himself, with...
"I gotta agree with blood. I've had it go both ways. If she cooks breakfast it's def a relationship lol"

After that was another forum member, Lisa, with...
"If you couldn't wait past the first date, then you have impulse control issues, and its a red flag that shouldn't be ignored."

Next was friend-since-middle school Enjoli with...
"It all depends... My last first date encounter turned into a 3 1/2 year relationship that almost led to marriage. LOL! It honestly depends on what you both are looking for. "

Next was former coworker Kianna, with...
"i think more than likely it will result in the latter, but i've known relationships develop that way on rare occasions"

High school classmate Tim came in with...
"I think its all in the people ... It doesn't matter how you start talking or what ever its all about what you want..... if your trying to work on something then you will if not then you wont it takes two and both people have to want it and talk to each other.... and for it to be more thats what it takes a two way street build on talking friendship and trust and the LORD,,,, Live your live and don't worry about how or why make to day and live another one to get up and try and be better... KC"

My buddy Joe dropped off with...
"Honestly? It could go either way, it all depends on the people involved. "

Then Barri with...
"What Joe said. I know a couple who proudly admit they smooshed on the first date. They've been married for 12 years."



As for me?
I agree with the respondents who will say that it is usually not much of a relationship if it starts off on first-night action. Not to let you in on any more than you need to know about me, but I have had more first-night encounters than I have had actual girlfriends in my life. Such was the approach to my life prior to events announced recently.
The problem is that it is REALLY hard for an otherwise unattached dude to turn it down when presented with it. Sure, we may place ourselves in position for that first night deal, but many of us do so simply in the "I will take it if offered," but with no intentions on making anything long term of it. Unless, of course, that was precisely what they were looking for or it was just THAT mind-bendingly great.
As for people I know personally, I MIGHT be able to name 2-3 couples who I KNOW did it on the first night/date that are still together... Whether they're particularly happy or not, though, is none of my business.

I can speak to my own reasoning and none others, and it goes as such.
We all know that men possess an ability to separate sex from love that many women just don't. When it comes time to commit ourselves to a woman exclusively and her to us and all that such a thing entails -- knowing full well how emotionally attached most women are to their vageens -- it is REALLY difficult to not think "well damn, I smashed on the first night... who the hell else has gotten in so easily before me?"
Suffice it to say, you begin to wonder just how special she sees her goods if she can throw it at you and God knows who else before you so quickly. If the involvement is to last any kind of time, it might be best to TRY to expel that thought from your head, but the fact remains that such a feat is damn near impossible. It can become the elephant in the room. In so much and very much in my opinion, it is best to try not even put yourself through it. Besides -- and again in my opinion -- some things are best left to the imagination, thus making the eventual outcome that much more rewarding.
And this is in no way meant to shift blame here, so I am NOT saying "oh, she's fuckin' early because she has no self esteem or lacks respect for herself," because I know it takes two to tango. If she has low self esteem, or lacks respect for herself to lay with a dude on the first night, then he is just as guilty of preying on her low self esteem and must so lack respect for her as well to some degree.
Or perhaps -- and we know that this is also a possibility -- they both just wanted to get their fuck on, and such is their right.
Or perhaps one was not looking to be in a relationship, and used the "fucked too soon" excuse as an out.
I can only speak for me, and any girl I encountered that came with first night sex was never really stood much chance of being anything more than casual sex, and my lack of continued interaction with ANY of them after we did what we did -- up until even before I was in a relationship with The Katie -- should speak to that.
And you damn straight we waited.
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