Life, love, hip hop, humor AND instructions on how to cook a bangin'-ass meal... all in one place. I put the words here, make what you want of them.

Monday, June 7, 2010

"The List"

There are some things that EVERY straight male should make a point of doing before they leave this planet. Some friends I pressed for opinions and myself came up with a short list...
Not one to care if I am called a homophobe, the fact remains that we can only write this list from the point(s) of view of heterosexual men, while a lot of these will be applicable to more than just that group.
These will be in no particular order.


#1 - Visit a country in which you do not live...
This is not and does not have to be a terribly expensive proposition. Visit another country at least once. Be it Europe or Japan (should your money be big enough), Canada, Mexico, etc... Wherever! Experience that at least one time (or more). You will find that the world outside of your own set of personal experiences presents a multitude of new interests for you to take in.
What, with the advent of vacationstogo.com and sites of their ilk, not to mention that any travel agent worth their salt should be able to finagle you a good deal if you ask the right questions to wherever you should want to go. One way to lessen your cost, as well, is to get with a group of people -- ten or more who WILL NOT FLAKE -- and you will find that having SOME people you know around you in strange lands to be an enhancement on the good time (and safety in the enjoyment of such).
Long story short, get your ignorant ass out and see the world.


#2 - Do something with your hands...
Change some oil. Disassemble something automotive, assemble something automotive. Re-cover a piece of furniture. Build something, even if it is a computer. Maintain your own lawn mower, SOMETHING!
The point, here, is to make a point of saying you have done SOMETHING with your hands in your time. You may even find that you have learned or even perhaps begun to enjoy something new. Fuck, you might even make a few coins on the side as well.


#3 - Drive stick...
"Dude, you got me blocked in, can you move your car?"
"Oh, my bad... Keys are hanging next to the door, you can move it if you like"
"Aight, cool I will--... wait... your car is a 5-speed, ain't it?"

Just because automatic transmissions have become the automotive industry's standard as a concession that women people most likely to buy new cars aren't interested in changing gears does not mean that manual transmissions have become a dinosaur.
It stands to reason that at some point in your life, you may need to drive a diplomat to the hospital after an assassination attempt, perhaps deliver the gold medal to the podium at the Olympic games after the Transporter got drunk and forgot it running late, or at least borrow a car to get to work and that car might have a manual transmission. How fucked are you if you've not done yourself the service of knowing how to drive it?
It stands to reason that this item belongs on the list for all licensed drivers, but it just strikes me as one that should ESPECIALLY be on the list for straight men. Somewhere in this, women and others get a pass and I will not complain about that.


#4 - Bring a woman to orgasm...
It has been said that 75% of women leave this planet without ever having experienced an orgasm. Or at least 75% had never had one as of when they were asked.
[link]

This, gentlemen, is deplorable when we live in a world with all the options available. Yes, even dudes who don't have the biggest, longest-lasting tooling can bring a woman to orgasm without too much extraneous or terribly difficult effort. This will also go on to mention that it happens to be among the hugest ego boosts in the history of man -- up there with the discovery of fire and the invention of the wheel -- when you KNOW you have taken her there, or reduced her to a babbling fool who can barely walk when you've finished the act. Therein, you're not only doing HER what is an apparently rare favor, so why not do the same for your ego?


#5 - Learn to cook SOMETHING...
Look, it stands to reason and opinion that I could be a better cook than any woman I have ever met who is not my mother or grandmothers. In so much, I recognize that my situation presents a special extenuating circumstance, in that I alienated myself from my family in my not eating red meat, and needed to prepare for a future where it looked a lot like I would be preparing meals for myself and only myself for a long time.
Somewhere along the line, somehow, I got creative with it and pretty good at it. I found that one GREAT place to get a woman on your side is to be able to cook well for her. She is yours if she appreciates that you can cook better than she can.
The funny thing about that is that such extremes are not the least bit necessary... If you can present a situation where she will not have your sorry ass depending on her like your mama for a cooked meal every night for the rest of your lives together, perhaps "the rest of your lives together" would be a longer period.
That being said, you need to have at least one -- but perhaps as many as about 5 -- go-to dishes.
[Phlip note - feel free to ask my woman what my 5 are and she would likely name 5 that I don't]
Being a gourmet chef is not the necessity here, alls you need is some decent enough cookware (hell, I often use throwaway pans) and utensils, and the ability to follow basic instructions. Hell, click here and I have already helped you.
Besides, this is even sound advice for the ones who will be bachelors for the foreseeable futures as well.


#6 - Admit to your fuckup(s)...
Again, right up there with #3 and 5, this SHOULD be an "everybody" thing, but the fact remains that straight men are the majority on this planet and, in such, are most often in the wrong...
When you fuck up, people, own up to it. See what can be done to make it right, if it can be made right and then do the work to make it right. Sometimes the conduit to the fix is an argument heated discussion. Approach it with reasons, not excuses. Approach with humility, not entitlement. Allow yourself to see and genuinely understand why the other party might want to see you mauled in the ass by a Kodiak Bear on Christmas morning in front of your Grandmother.
Own up to your shit, take the punishment and be better as a result.


#7 - Let HER pick the movie...
Look, unless you're me, sooner or later this will mean that you MIGHT have to watch a Tyler Perry movie.
[Phlip note - that is where I drew the line and refused... That and Just Wright]
Again, unless your woman is my woman, this will mean that you will not be able to see as many movies prominently featuring someone getting split the fuck open during the opening credits as often as you might like.



I don't generally fux with lists because I know how my mind works, and I am never actually done with it. What is presented above represents what came to my mind in the time during which I worked on this post, which I will readily admit was entirely too long. Oh well, I was busy making sure my woman had the happiest birthday I could give her.
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