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Friday, August 20, 2010

"History Issues"... a conversation

This one came from the suggestion of The Katie...

Last night, when she came in from work, she started -- before even addressing the dogs – “hey, I have an idea for a question of the day.”
I think she had heard it on the radio or somewhere between work, class and then home. At first I was not sure about it, but when I got here this morning, I decided that such a discussion might help the day along, I logged into the Book of Face from my communications device on the way in to work and asked…

“Question of the day… How many prior partners/relationships is too many?”

I thought, knowing what I know about my friends on the Book of Face, that this would be a damned interesting conversation.

By the time I was seated at my desk, I had my first response from high school classmate, Tim, with…
"Don't ask don't tell no one really wants to know and if you do tell they think your lying so keep it on the hush "

Next respondent was former coworker, Ulrica with…
"Lol!@ Tim that's funny but it shouldn't matter if you love them as long as the ddf you should be the last one they need as far as a relationship.. Your a good dude if your pertaining to you so it shouldn't matter.."

After her was Joe, with...
"Hmmm....well I've had 25 girlfriends, with my current wife being the 25th, and it never bothered her. As fas as sexual partners, I dunno, I usually get kinda nervous when it in the double digits. For the record out of the afore mentioned 25, I only nailed 3 or 4, so im not a hypocrite hahahahahaa and yes I know nailed isn't the most eloquent term, but its my favorite.

Anyways, I think its going to ultimately vary from person to person. "

Then came Hollyweird's own, Eric Castro, with...
"a handful for a women, and theres no limits on men, lmao!!"

Jamal's answer --while not even pretending to be serious (fucker) -- was to the point, with...
"7 evil exes"

Next was John, with...
"1 more than I have had."

Next was Simon with...
"Don't ask don't tell. The truth is no matter the number it will always seem high. "

Then came former coworker, Kianna, with...
"i agree with simon...the past is the past."

Next was Ace, with...
"Well. my wife has been with one other guy. ive have been with over 20 (cocaine is a hell.of a drug). but i have the issues over her lack of experience. ive had women to practice on so some things im an expert at. but less experienced people tend to be emotional and selfish. hindsight is 20/10"

Then my Mexican Cousin Steve, with...
"Simon has the best answer...only time u tell is when u gots the dirties happen down in the attic...just sayin"


As for me?

I am not about “quantity,” so much as I am about “quality” or ESPECIALLY “context.”
I am not worried so much about how many people someone may have been with ahead of me, I would be a fool to assume that anyone who has smutted with me was a virgin prior to me and frankly I didn’t care. Hell, in fact, my preference is just that. So long as one has been responsible enough to have a clean bill of health, has been (mostly) morally responsible and it is not the direct cause of a case of “hot dogs down a hallway” then everything should be fine.

That solves the “quantity” thing, but now on to “quality”…
Say, for instance, you happen upon someone who has a history of bedding losers, and doing so in the face of common sense. Would this make you feel as if you’re the end of their streak of bad luck, or that you’re the next notch in that belt? Not that this should be a “turn and fucking run” red-flag moment, but it is DEFINITELY one to look into deeply before getting too involved, if only for the avoidance of serial daters – who are with someone new (or an old flame revisited) every 2-3 months, if not weeks.

Back to context, though… What does that mean?
Thanks for asking!

F’rinstance…
Say you’re involved with someone at current who has a past that you probably do not know about, but probably should when considering degrees of separation.
Say your current interest used to "date" someone else you know pretty well. While that in particular may not be much of an issue, there are a great many variables worth considering…

  • What kind of situation they were in?
  • Were they in a committed relationship, or was this a jumpoff agreement?
  • If not in a relationship with one another, was either in a relationship with anyone else?
  • If either WAS in a relationship with anyone else, did the other side know?
  • If they DID know, did they share that they knew, or just trudge forward in spite of it?
  • Might anyone ELSE know of the situation(s)?

    … and most importantly...
  • How much do YOU know about your current situation and their past of “Smashin’ da Homies”?

[Phlip note – I WISH I could make this shit up, every point is based on a true story somewhere, and not JUST on daytime court shows]


Again, not that this past should become an absolute deal breaker, contingent on yours or the other party’s current intentions – past be damned – but some of these factors are DEFINITELY need-to-know items. Like I said, context.
Using the above-described potential Maury episode, it is worth considering whether one would WANT to be in a relationship with a such a past behind them, no? When I buy a car, it is only fair that I know that one of the previous owners smoked in the motherfucker, whether or not the dealer had the burn holes in the seat.

The issue is not that they have had a few partners, seeing as how EVERYONE is getting their fuck on in 2010, so much as it should be questions as to the nature of those partners.
Robert Sylvester Kelly taught us that there is nothing wrong with a little Bump N Grind, but he stopped short of the VERY important caveat that being a remorseless Slore about it is, in general, a largely inexcusable transgression.

[Phlip note – unless you’ happen to be into slores and such, which I am not]

The answer, all being said is that the number really doesn't matter, so long as the outcome is still positive. Seriously, in my mind the prior number can be damned so long as I have made the conscious decision to be the last, just as long as I am not that dude in the above-described situation.
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