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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

"New Year, New Me"... I will help you prove it

Maybe I am a victim of the effectively lowered expectations as it relates to the every-January-ever influx of peoples’ sure-to-be-abandoned New Years Resolutions. Rather than entertain anyone’s promises of a better life for themselves, their health or their kids (jeeze, what kind of animal lies to their kids like that?!) I prefer to lend a cynical ear to their statements.

“New year, new me!” on January 1 is categorically met with “funny, you still look like the same ignant ass from yesterday.”

The en-masse pilgrimage to gyms the world over is generally followed by an equally epic exodus of them less than 100 days following… churches too!

As with anything, I discussed this aesthetic with a good friend of mine this morning and the idea was tossed in to start a motivational company in which we publicly call out people on their resolution du jour ON THEIR FACEBOOK WALLS for all their friends to see, say every evening about 5ish.

· “… read any of that bible today?”

· “so you can come home and play Madden til 2am, but too tired for the gym today?”

· “[n-word], that BETTER not be a cigarette!”

· “one mile, run it… it isn’t dark yet”

· “your wife is in the bedroom right now… I bet you money you could get her naked if you could tear yourself away from Modern Warfare for an hour or two. it’d save your marriage”

· “new shoes?! Is your light bill current?”

· “when was the last time you talked to your granny?”

I could go on, but I am quite sure you get it. The message posted would be customized to the individual customer’s (more on that in a minute) resolution(s) of choice.

The caveat is that the customer MUST understand that, unlike most other self-help organizations they may have tried in the past, we possess ZERO loyalties to their little punkass feelings, so they best become supremely acquainted with the fear of the embarrassment that failure would bring upon them being a strong motivator.
It is one thing to make a New Years Resolution and tell everyone about it then have it fall silently to the wayside while they stop thinking about it, but it is something WHOLLY different to have it placed on blast every evening as soon as you have gotten home from work for all those same people to see as you fail it miserably. By this logic, the only means of saving face is to be able to respond “yes I am/did” when challenged as to whether or not you have been conforming to what you’d set forth for yourself…

As with anything, this program has a cost…
20 non-refundable dollars per person, per month, to be due up front. This will get you a DAILY harassment reminder to stick to your program, with penalties (we’ll say $10 per resolution per month) due for failure to make goals.

Sure, we should all be able to foot $20/month for minor stuff, I swear I am preserving a ton more than that in not having paid for beer in almost 3 months now. Unassing that kind of money in order to be motivated into doing what you’d promised to do already, sort of as an insurance policy of sorts, should not be a huge deal when it comes down to it.

And here, all this time, we thought “Motivation” was nothing more than a stupid-ass song by Kelly Rowland. The major difference and supreme motivator here is the avoidance of exposure of one’s own sloth to their closest friends and family on their FaceBook walls.

And if that isn’t worth $240 a year to someone otherwise unable to remain motivated, then damn I don’t know what would be.

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