Chris Christie: “Hi guys!”
Mitt: “You sonofabitch! Why the hell did you have to give that--… *looks at Allen West* Why did you give him a damned reacharound on national TV?”
Christie: “Easy, Mittens… I am a sitting Governor, and I have PEOPLE to govern. If my PEOPLE are in need of help after a natural disaster a week before it gets cold, it serves my own best interest to not be the only house in the state with electricity Election year politics be damned.”
Romney: “But, but… you made him look like a GOOD president!”
Christie: “Unfortunate timing I know, but at that moment he WAS doing what good Presidents do. By the way… I figured you guys might be a little hungry since it IS 4 in the morning, so I brought some donuts. 5 of them are gone, but I only ate 4 myself. Ron Paul looked pitiful out there, so I gave him the strawberry one out in the hallway.”
West: “SHIT! Strawberry is my favorite!”
Trump: “Cut the shit, let’s get to it… Chris, you’re quite natural as our next up. You have shown the ONLY ability to reason and converse with those libtard--… err, Democrats, and that means that they might start to trust you. If we’re going to win, we can’t just get by on the strength of being white anymore. They got gays and minorities now.”
West: “I’m still here, you know?”
Trump: “Would you like that to change?”
West: “Um… no”
Trump: “Good boy, now shut up. Where was I? We tried to have McCain being whiter than the other side and didn’t work. We even drew in Palin to appeal to the perves of the party and THAT didn’t work. We tried sabotaging them, and THAT didn’t work either apparently. It looks like we’re going to have to make a better attempt to appear to be working WITH them, and Chris is our best bet.”
Paul Ryan: “Um… Donald?”
Ryan: “Why not try to ACTUALLY work with them?”
Trump: “enough out of you… I know you KEPT your job, but YOU’RE FIRED! Get the hell out of here!”
West: “heheh, he did the ‘you’re fired’ thing, and it--… um, never mind… Pax, Paul!”
EVERYONE at the table sits and stares at Paul Ryan until he realizes that he really was asked to get out, then gets up and leaves.
Christie: “Can I have his seat?”
Akin: “Mitt doesn’t look like he wants you sitting next to him right now. You might want to stay over here where he can't reach you.”
The meeting now turns to how drawing upon the DIFFERENCES between the parties and then accentuating those as reasoning for why the American voter should actually vote in their favor to how the SIMILARITIES of the outcomes of those on both sides serves it that perhaps, just perhaps, they should be looking for reasons to be about the same goals instead. Since the act of God that was Hurricane Sandy allowed the teaching moment that brought this epiphany to existence, the individual who worked best alongside the other party as seen by Americans is the one best suited to run for the party in the next coming election.
Karl Rove (from the hallway): “guys, I raised almost $400 million, I could TOTALLY help, here.”
… and like that, Karl Rove is jettisoned to an even DEEPER basement, not to be heard from again.
Christie: “Okay, so it’s my turn? You know Romney came in second last time, and McCain before him. What will Leroy say about this?”
Christie: “Hey, when was the last time YOU answered to ‘Willard’?”
Mitt: “Oh, Newton…”
Christie: “Yeah, that guy. Does anyone care what he will think?”
Mitt: “Well, the ghost of Joseph Smith told me that Zombie Reagan told him he always hated his guts.”
Romney: “Who, who?”
West: “This Joseph Smith guy?”
Romney: “Nothing, never mind lamanite”
West: “What’d you call me?”
Romney: “It’s Mormon for ‘giant penis’”
Allen West stands up and struts about the room, missing the rest of the conversation.
The banter continues that Chris Christie is the last frontier in the GOP’s chances at retaking the White House anytime soon. No mention of the fact that the country on the whole is LESS conservative than they pretended it was during the Bush Administration – known internally as “Operation: Monty Python” – and that the focus should be turned more toward the actual giving of a damn about the plight of the average American who now knows that he has a vote and therefore a voice.
At this point, Chris Christie begins to get a conscience about the whole thing.
Christie: “So let me get this straight… No one notices that we’re only PRETENDING at this bipartisanship thing.”
Trump: “Jabba--… err, Christopher, you have the floor.”
Christie: “Okay, so no one notices that we’re just pandering to what we already know their opinions are, right? We just lost an electoral asskicking 332-206. If we HAD won Florida and Ohio, we STILL would have lost. Does anyone here see this as a bit of a hangup to continuing to insult peoples’ intelligence?”
Mitt: “Chris, would you like to join Mr Rove, Mr Ryan and Mr Paul in the hallway or basement?”
Christie: “Heavens no!”
Mitt: “And what about Mr West under the table shining my shoes?”
Christie: “But I thought we kicked Allen out--…”
With the understanding that the approach to victory, with a newly informed voting public, includes a heaping of “pandering” instead of actually BEING, Christie was ready to concede that it served him best to do what the group ahead of him suggested and to hit the pause button on his conscience.
… except for…
Christie: “But, but…”
Trump: “but what?”
Christie: “Remember how Romney started to say ANYTHING it would take to make people not vote for BHO?”
Trump: “Yeah, so?”
Christie: “Well, eventually, they wanted some real answers… Now, I wasn't invited to this gathering last time and I don’t know what y’all talked about, but we know by what happened last night that it didn't work. Speaking of 'last night,' it is 6 in the morning, and the sun is coming up. I need to get back to me still-without-power constituents sometime today and I have not been to sleep yet.”
Trump: “Good point, John Candy… we shall adjourn back to this location tomorrow at 9pm.”
Christie: “John Candy?”
Mitt: “Just shut up, fatass! Obama should have just finished fucking my wife… WELL. I need to get home and schedule vaginal reconstruction to make her fit me again.
Oh, and console her a little bit too.”
Trump: *snickers* “Yeah, we will just meet back here tomorrow night and continue planning.”
… to be continued