True Story©... Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

True Story©…

                Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

This is one that has been up for debate for many years.  We’re to understand that Santa already had his reindeer fleet set to go, and all of a sudden another one shows up out of nowhere with a bright red nose?  Nah dawg, that ain’t how the story went.  It CAN'T be.  Today, I am here to lay it out for real.

                We readily believe that Santa handles his Christmas duties every year with the same 8 reindeer; Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen…  Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (admit it, you sang that shit, didn't you?).  All of a sudden, after 100 years there is a new reindeer at the North Pole?  HOW LONG WAS THIS DUDE THERE?!!?  And to make the story just a little more juicy, how about the fact that one that no one was allowed to see or hear of him from the beginning of the Santa Claus story in 1839 to the discovery of Cocaine in the late 1850s and then still remaining COMPLETELY hidden until the story they began to tell us in 1939 and happens to have a bright red nose..

                Not to let you in on anything more than you need to know about the community, but sometimes there is this one uncle who lives in your grandma’s basement due to having developed a substance abuse issue.  There are times where other family members don’t much TALK about that uncle in the hopes that one day his issues will take him on out of here.  As granny prays away his demons and tries as best she can to disallow his vice in her house, he gradually gets better and comes out of the basement more and more often.  He thinks he is still cool, but all of your friends know him as your “powderhead uncle” and no one wants to have him around while y’all are playing football or stickball in the street or whatever else y’all might be doing.
[Phlip note: that paragraph right there is a metaphor for “reindeer games”]

                So I am sure – or at least I hope – you get it now…  The issue is not that they didn’t want to let Rudolph play their reindeer games, it is that they had been accustomed to him being in the basement below Santa’s workshop higher than a fucking kite on cocaine and it was never a prudent move to have them doing such.
I mean, why in the hell ELSE would his nose be bright-ass red all the time like that?

                Anyway, that one fateful Christmas night of the huge storm comes along and--…  Wait, even THAT portion of the story was total shit.  I am here to tell it like it is, aren’t I?  Christmas happens to take place in winter, it stands to reason that now and again some people are going to experience some pretty epic snow storms, Santa has always dealt with them no problem.
Rewind to Christmas Eve.  Santa, the elves and all of the other reindeer had a big-ass Ugly Sweater party.  Many shots of Hennessy and Patron were consumed, many blunts may have been in rotation, questionable decisions were made and EVERYONE who was at the party fell out into a drunken heap in the middle of Santa’s workshop.  Of course, these motherfuckers SHOULD have been loading up the sleigh to prepare for the world’s deliveries.  Rudolph, on the other hand, was in his basement getting skiied real good since he was gonna have to be home alone until the everyone finished the Christmas deliveries.  Bear in mind, here that Cocaine is an upper and alcohol is a downer, as is marijuana.
Curiously, Rudolph thinks “damn, they’re kinda quiet up there…  shouldn’t they be getting ready?”  He goes upstairs to find the aftermath of the drunken debauchery and newly hyper off of his moments in the Scarface suite, loads the WHOLE sleigh himself and wakes up ALL the other reindeer.  He brewed a pot of coffee to bring them back to as normal as possible, loaded Santa’s fat ass in the sleigh and got everyone in position and took the lead which he would maintain until HIS drugs wore off in time for everyone else to come down and finish their job.  In having the forethought to do that, Rudolph saved Christmas.

                Rudolph was a hero!  Upon return to Santa's workshop, they still couldn’t let him participate in the reindeer games due to his inability to pass drug protocols for random testing, but since he had looked out for them and he knew a week before he had to piss for work, so he was able to be on standby for Christmases on into the future.

And that, kids, is how the story ACTUALLY went.