The musings of a madman...

       I've been away from y'all, but y'all have not been off my mind or out of my inbox. Just for the record, y'know... So at the beginning of March, I get an email in the Moe Phillips box with a request that kind of made my pressure go up a bit... "Moe,     My name is Belvin and I come to you with a quandary... I have two female friends from college, my wife knows them well and they're both involved with their own guys. They're planning a trip to a cabin the first weekend of spring and have asked me along. I naturally declined, as we have small children in my house and I didn't want to be a fifth wheel. Their explanation was that they wanted to spend the whole trip without having to exit the cabin except on foot, but none of them can cook well enough to make this work and that is where I come in, even offering to let me bring another friend from school to occupy me if the 'fifth wheel' thing was a concern. They FURTHER explained that I wou...

       Okay, so I'm chilling in the house on a random-ass Wednesday morning with the Baby Bird™ . It should be noted that "chilling in the house" means I am on the clock, whereas being "at home" would have meant I was on the couch, in my bed or in the garage. Also, Baby Bird™ is my new nickname for my grandlittle as she physically outgrows Tiny Little™ . Anyway, chilling in the house with an infant. The phone rings... Me: "Hello?" Caller: "Hey Phillip, it's Chris." Me: "Whatup Chris? You usually just text!" [ Phlip note : Chris is the guy who bought my old house, he texts me to come grab straggling mail items when they happen to show. The house is right on my daily travels and is only 8 minutes from my new place ] Chris: "Yeah, it's not mail this time. You got a visitor." Me: "A--... visitor? No one even visited me when I LIVED there! It ain't the cops is it?" Chris: "No, he is insistent t...

     I've been away for a few weeks. No it was not planned. No I will not be explaining publicly, if you know you know.      While on the shelf, I had a lot of time to think about my next moves. I mean, I was only off work one week, plus one day each for the holidays, but this also coincides with the slow season at work so yeah... a lot of time. Sometimes during the day, I'll have the TV on ESPN for noise until "noise" includes a certain blowhard whose name I will not--... Screamin' A Smith. I change the channel when I hear his voice. Anyway... ESPN. They partner with the Make-A-Wish Foundation and apparently John Cena to make sick kids dreams come true and then put it on TV to let sponsors and advertisers foot the bill while they write it off on their own taxes. Wild, but wholly American.      So I has this idea... If you think I'mma fake an illness or borrow a kid to fake an illness in order to get a chance to be in the same room a...

  Wife Person™ has a best friend...      Well she has about four, but one in particular sits at the absolute top of the pot and that is the one she doesn't get to see as much as they might like due to physical distance. They only get to see each other in person about once or twice a year and it always involves an airline ride. They get to see each other this weekend, but I never keyed y'all in on what happened when Wife Person™ went to TN/AR to visit her back in the spring.      It was March, they'd planned the visit for months in advance. It was planned for a week/end that I would be otherwise untethered to anything other than my lawn mower... Me: "But who gon feed me and remind me to take care of the dogs?" Wife Person™: "You do most of the cooking, cleaning and dog-rearing already. The fuck!?" Me: "And no adult supervision?" Wife Person™: "You talked to your therapist on Tuesday, right?" Me: "Of course!" Wife Person™...

       Weird things happening nowadays... One would think that I am NOT the one to be asking for serious advice, especially after reading the shenanigous outcomes I tend to prefer. Despite that, here we are. I've been busy with yard work and Tiny Little™ , so "outside" is not something I've particularly been able to participate in, so while she was napping, I opened up the good ol email. "Moe, I'm considering marrying my girlfriend but as much as I love her, I'm still not comfortable that she is the one. Is there anything I could do to know for sure before throwing years of my life away to a poor decision?"      Now... Pragmatically thinking, I would explain to him that if he gotta ASK then he already knows he probably don't trust her and should not move forward. But if I answered with just that, this story would end with the period at the end of this sentence. Instead, I responded and asked for his phone number to ask some more detailed questi...

       The changing weather and the near-constant presence of a Tiny Little™ in my house have pressed me into an extreme level of home body life. I'd say I'm bothered by it, but I'm really only beckoned from my house if it involves food or a leaf mulching job these last couple weeks.      Unfortunately, this means that people come to my door and I am actually home to have to -- or try to -- ignore them. So this past Saturday, I finished the one lawn on my schedule for the day and unloaded my truck, then sat down at the computer in the corner of my garage to work on the YouTube video I had recorded for it. [ link ] As I'm working on the voiceover and PRAYING nothing noisy happens outside my driveway to spoil it, my "should have closed the fuckin door" was confirmed when someone walked up to but not in my garage. Him: "Excuse me, are you busy?" Me: "Yes, and now I gotta record this voiceover for a third time..." Him: "I apologize, it...

       I'm a serial DIY'er... I'm bullshitting, we grew up less-than-rich and I'm a cheap ass who cannot fathom paying someone to do something I can realistically do myself.      Of late, say the last month or so, I've become more aggressive in my research and effort into lawn care. Wild timing to do this at the end of the seson, but I digress. I bought a used pickup truck on October 9th and went right to the work of it paying for itself that very weekend, carrying around my lawn equipment for quick load/unload to get the yards that pay me done as efficiently as possible. This ain't about that though...      When back home over the past now three weeks, I've transitioned from "work" mode to "plan to work" mode. The planning part includes questions to myself on how to do this whole thing better; how to make the yards greener, how to prevent weeds and how as a DIY'er to do all that shit without breaking the bank. Basically, doing ...

       With the lawn season winding to a close for the year, I'm having to turn to other things to pass my time. As I explained last month, clearing my Moe Phillips email box of unread messages was entertaining enough, but as a "do it to death" personality, I was finished in no time so here I am, back bored as it gets and a LONG ways to spring.      Nearing the end of my rope and close to my idle hands becoming the devil's playground, I received a phone call on the burner line... Me: "hello?" Her: "is this Moe?" Me: "uhh..." Her: "Moe Phillips? Do I have the right number?" Me: "Yeah, it's me. Who's this?" Her: "You don't know me but you know my father" Me: "Do I?" Her: "Yes, you helped him when he reached out to you last year." Me: "mmhmm" Her: "He is a preacher and he asked you about--..." Me: "... about how to grow his ministry to be able to expand...

    I have an odd relationship with TV. We own six and there are shows I enjoy a lot, but the one in the garage exist more as a PC monitor than television, and I still somehow manage to fall asleep on the couch even while watching the shows I DO enjoy.      Despite this, two things remain true... 1 - since I have rediscovered my writing as an adult, I've wanted to write for a television show. and 2 - I've always wanted to be on a game show. I've taken the jeopardy quiz twice but that shit is CONSIDERABLY harder than barking answers at the television every night at 7:30pm Eastern Standard Time.      In a semi-response to #1 above, I shared the contact information of a production executive in the industry back in 2020 when I was furloughed from work for six weeks. I was inexplicably allowed access to throw my ideas at him without being hung up upon, blocked or sent a cease and desist. One might say down through the years that I am entertaining h...

       Not to let y’all in on more than you need to know, but I been holding out on you… For every tale of a person who emailed the Moe Phillips box looking for help, I might lend a hand to about one in five. The thing when doling out assistance of the kind that normally comes requested in that email box, I am only beholden to my own opinion. If that opinion is one of judgment, or an active decision that “this one ain’t worth my time and effort” then so be it. Sometimes the “request” comes in as a statement of a problem without an actual suggestion of what outcome the sender might find satisfactory, and I ain’t no fuckin’ mind reader.      So why are we here today? Well, frankly, I got time today… Before I send these emails into the trash bin of history, I will share a couple of the funnier ones with you guys. I will present these in no particular order. This one came in about three weeks ago… “Moe, I see that you solicit for those in need of he...